Diary of the Dwarf of Pepy II (spoof)

Diary of the Dwarf of Pepy II (spoof):

My parents are really pleased, I have got a job, me a dwarf, has got a really prestigious job which will bring honour and respect to my parents. To say we are over the moon is to only say half of it. I am going to be trained up in dance, the traditional dances of the land of spirits which is what we call our country. It is a great day for the family.

The job is going really well and I am getting quite a reputation as the best dancer in the troupe. It is great for me because the dances are perfect for a dwarf so I look really good when we perform. WE have some visiting dignitary from Egypt coming and they want me to do a special dance for him.

Harkhuf the envoy from Egypt wants to meet with me, says he is going to make me an offer I can’t refuse. I wonder what on earth he wants. He was certainly impressed with my special dance, and so he should be I really made look special, of course the feathers helped.

OMG can you believe it, they want me to go to Egypt, well apparently the current king is quite young and Harkhuf knows he lovers unusual entertainment. Poor little mite is only 9, came to the throne when he was 6 so not a lot of fun in his life. They have suggested I move to Egypt, mum and dad will get well taken care off for the rest of their lives. Who would have thought that I would be the one to look after them? Everyone said I would be a problem and worry to them. But look how it has turned out. We are going to travel to elephantine which is where Harkhuf is based.

When we got to elephantine Harkhuf wrote to the king telling him about me. The king Pepy II has gone completely mad about me apparently, he loves the idea. I am pretty excited too but apparently he wants me to be given special care whatever that means.

I am going stark staring mad, this stupid boy is making my life hell. Ok he is king but seriously didn’t anyone think to give him some advice.

1) I have to have some with me 24 hours a day

2) All through the night some checks on me every hour

3) All my food is checked and tasted

4) I can’t do this and I can’t do that

5) Somebody sleeps beside me

6) When I am awake in case I fall in the water they have two people, one each side all the time!

Harkhuf is sure this is going to result in a big reward for him, the kings letter is so excited and as long as he gets me there safe and in good condition then it is going to be like winning the lottery. But what about me, it is so humiliating to be treated like this.

Finally we reach Pepy II and it was just like Harkhuf said, he got a fat reward, he is going to spend some of the money on his tomb and have the letter inscribed on the tomb. These Egyptians are OBESSED about preparing for the afterlife. Their tomb is so important to them. I swear they spend more money on their tomb than their house. Anyway I get presented to the king and he is just like any 9 year old, he loves the dance, especially the feathers and makes me do it again and again. He says I look just like Bes

Now I live at the palace and I really like it but even the king spend more on death than life. He s building a pyramid to be buried in, for heaven’s sake he is only 9 and he looks like he could live until 100. Still I suppose if he wants to he can afford it. They want me to have a tomb but I told them it is not our custom and I would prefer to spend money on living. They think I am completely mad of course, but then I think they are so we are quits.

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